This past week or so has been killer on the spirit.... :( But also quite healing as well~ :)
I do not wish to go into too much detail, but basically some of my old demons & insecurities decided to rear their ugly heads which stressed me out and made me angry... Then things got super stressful at work on top of it, making things even more irritating- :'( However- Things are much better now~ :)
I've basically gone through a mini transformation both mentally & spiritually over the past week & a half. Nothing's changed as far as my dreams are concerned, they've only become more embellished & refined. ;) I'm now in a better & healthier place mentally & spiritually, so I'll be able to tackle things more resolutely than I would have before. :) I've come to realize... that I truly am loved~ :3 It's a new feeling for me & every time I think about it I get teary-eyed. I've spent most of my life believing that no one loved me & that I never should have been born, but since finding my real father, I have come to find that I am loved by him more than I ever thought possible. It's really opened my eyes. I also now have people around me in this tiny little town that care & show it in a myriad of different ways. I never had that before either.
Now I've had many good friends over the recent past few years that have stuck by me, who I know care & I love them dearly. However, I never really felt truly loved at my core until just recently. My biggest & strongest pain was that my parents never really loved me and only saw me as a burden.. I firmly believed that for over 25 years. However, over the past 6 years (since finding my real father especially), I have slowly come to see that my parents DO love me. My mother may not show it in the obvious ways or in ways that I would have recognized in the past, but I have begun to recognize her ways of showing love recently & it has been a boon to me. I've even come to recognize my step-family's ways & that has brought me joy as well.
Never having my real father in my life was very painful and confusing for me growing up, but now that I've found him & he's in my life now.. everything is different~ <3 My real father is everything I had ever wanted in a father & he's the kind of loving parent I had always longed for, so having him in my life now & knowing he's MINE by blood has made me so proud & happy to be his child~ As well as to be alive. :) I'm even finding love with the man I've been seeing lately; the one I recently called my "donor daddy".. all that is still up in the air, but it's ok~ I've no wish to rush things- ;) Our lives at the moment are going in two different directions, so we've decided to keep things simple & just be really good friends~ But even that has become so very fulfilling for me. :3
& above all I am learning that even though Life isn't going perfectly like I would like to sometimes force it to be.. it's still the most incredible journey~ :D & if I were to simply let go of the control & enjoy things, Life becomes all the more beautiful & enchanting~ ^_^
Oh! I've decided to purchase a piece of land in my dream state of Hawaii! :D I've no plans of moving there until after my grand adventure as of yet, but I wish to have a place I can retire to & not have to worry about finding a place to call home anymore. I've even begun to envision the most wonderful fantasy style home that I'd like to build there~ The land I'm considering is nothing but lava rock with absolutely no vegetation in sight, but that means I've got the PERFECT building material right there on the land provided for me for free by Mother Nature herself! XD
I'm envisioning a hobbit style home with the lava rock built up into a small, low hill.. kinda like the EarthShip homes you see online. Then I wish to build a lava rock sculpture of a grand tree, cover it with native flowering vines so that it looks alive, then build an elf-like light-weight tree house among it's branches! :D KYA!! Simply MAGICAL sounding, isn't it!? XD Of course.. it'll take forever to build it all, but I feel it'll be the perfect retirement project~ ^_^ & while I'm working on all that I'll live in a small shack with solar panels on the roof, living an entirely self-sufficient lifestyle with a 1/2 acre farm with a small green house, pygmy goats, & a puppy dog. <3
America is my home~ She's not perfect & she infuriates me at times, but this is where I was born... & it's everything I know. It pains me to know that the American reputation in some places is a nasty one.. but I can only do my best to be a good human being in order to show how that reputation is no reflection of every American. I seriously hate stereotypes... >:( But the only way to combat them is to be a living example of just how wrong they are. ;)
Just like how some people believe red-heads are cold-hearted & cruel mean little witches.. Well..? Get to know me & you'll find one of the kindest & warm-hearted women around. :) Sure- I CAN be cold.. even mean at times... but I never take pleasure in it. I never like hurting others. I only get that way towards people who truly are witches & monsters. Like bullies- I DO NOT put up with bullies! I've been bullied my entire life & I finally had enough of it when I was 17. I decided to finally get up & take a stand against it. Now I defend anyone & everyone within reach against bullies. The problem is that sometimes the only way to stop a bully is to get mean. Sometimes they just never had anyone show them how their actions hurt others. I put bullies in their place in a respectful, but strong way- I don't think what I do is mean, but I have been told that I can be extremely scary when I get angry & speak out against a bully. *shrugs* I guess it's all in how I carry myself when I get angry.. lol~ Oh well- Whatever it is, it works. The bullies stop and I never see them bully another person ever again. :)
I also never hold a grudge~ ;) That's key in teaching young ones not to bully. I taught English in S. Korea for 2 years & had to deal with a teenage bully who would bully even the teachers, treating the other children (some half her age) so badly they'd be in tears. Well- One day I had had enough. The boss was out for the day & since everyone else was too scared of her parents getting angry to put her in her place.. I did- She had made a little girl cry by flicking her off, harassing her, calling her all kinds of nasty names, and kicking her out of the movie room where all the other kids were watching a movie in English. When my Korean co-teacher told me what had happened, I marched right up to the classroom and said, "YOU! OUT! NOW!" The bully sat there flabbergasted and tried to deny everything, but I looked at her pointedly and said, "Dorothy-teacher told me EXACTLY what you did! Get downstairs! NOW! You DO NOT treat the other kids like that!" Then I marched her 13-yr-old little behind downstairs. After that, I took the hand of the 8-yr-old she had bullied and walked up her up to the movie room, talked with her kindly, & sat with her until she had stopped crying & was laughing at the movie. From then on, the 13-yr-old never bullied another soul at the school & she began treating all of us with respect. Once I saw that, I complimented her, spoke with her gently, helped her with her English more when she had questions, & even rewarded her for her good grammar & manners~ :) Once she saw that she would not be treated harshly if she treated others with respect, she changed. It was a total transformation and all it took was a firm hand with absolutely no tolerance for disrespect followed by a gentle hand of forgiveness & kindness. ;)
Anyway... O.o.... I've completely lost track of where I was going with this post, but.. oh well- LOL! XD I just wished to write to everyone and let you know that all is well here and that things are looking up. In just a month or two, once things cool down a bit here, I'll be getting to work on cleaning up the tiny little town where I live & getting my social movement.. well.. MOVING! XD I'll post pictures & stories of everything going on here in regards to Dream Ship~ :D So please look forward to them! ^_^
& as always~ LIVE YOUR DREAMS! ;)
-Aria D Gaia