Sorry for the long absence, but I've had a lot going on and a lot on my mind as of late. You see, something happened to me a few weeks back that made me question everything I've had planned and all my priorities. I thought I had become pregnant~ & for that first week, I was so happy & thrilled I was literally on Cloud 9. So high up was my heart, mind, & soul that I refused to believe it when the take home tests kept telling me I wasn't... until the irrefutable truth finally set in and made itself known. Learning that I was NOT pregnant was probably the most heart wrenching thing I've experienced in a long time. I cried my heart out- But it made me realize something...
It made me realize that I want to have a child more than anything else in this universe. Far more than anything else I have thus far wished to have. I've always longed to have a child and I've spoken of it often. However, I have always been waiting & waiting for the right guy to come along.. and now I've waited 16 YEARS & yet Mr. Right still eludes me. I just keep getting older and older... and life's not going to wait forever- Eventually, it'll be too late to have a child and I've come to see that being told that I can't have a child is probably my #1 greatest fear. So.. despite the disappointment I've had to endure the past week.. I'm glad it all happened, because it made me rethink things & realize that I need to reorganize my priorities at bit.
It doesn't affect my overall plan at all- ;) I still plan to retire at 40 and set sail around the world on the D.S. Sunny Freedom that I have yet to build. I will still do everything I can to make the world a better place for all those around me. I will also still go on my backpacking trip across the country. I am still going to have a child before I turn 35. The only thing it's changing is the order in which I wish to accomplish all these things~
Thinking about things realistically & logically.. I'm probably in the absolute BEST position to have my child NOW. I've got a wonderful job which pays well and has excellent health benefits. I'm settled in a quaint little town that is perfectly safe for small children to grow up in. There's even a daycare center that just opened up down the street from my place. I've even found a brand new art co-op just the other day that is willing to sell my art on commission. Things are going extremely well for me right now and I've even been able to save up a decent amount of money for my future ship in the form of a 401k through work. If I stay on with the FPS for 4 more years, I'll be a vested employee and earn even more benefits towards my early retirement. So if I'm looking to raise a child, I'm in the best position NOW to do so!
If I were to go ahead with my previous plan of resigning in 6-8 months to do my backpacking trip.. there would be absolutely no guarantee that I'd be able to find such a nice job again; much less find one quickly. I'd be putting not only my health & my child's health at risk, but I'd be putting all of my future plans at risk by going off somewhere else, only to find that I can't find a decent job or can only find a job without the nice benefits. I may not be able to afford to have my child and still save up for everything I desire to accomplish. If I stay here, I'll have no problems in doing so- Also, if I were to have my child now, my child would be 8 or 9 years old when I set sail instead of only 4 or 5.. & frankly? The older my child is when we set sail, the better- For many reasons~
So, not only am I in the perfect position to have a child & raise him or her as a single momma as I was pretty much betting I'd end up having to do anyway... I've also found someone that I really care about who is willing to be the father of my child.. A lot of the reason I haven't been on all month is because I've been spending my time with him and loving every single moment of it~ :3 He's a single father himself and loves his child more than anything. That's part of what attracted me to him- He's also the first man to treat me with the kind of love, respect, and kindness I have always longed for. He's everything I've been looking for in a man really... & he supports me in my dreams more than anything. So I really am in the best position now for having my baby~
Realistically & logically, it really does make a lot more sense to stay where I'm at and go ahead & have my child. Most of my crew is nowhere near ready to go off adventuring with me anyway. Especially, if I were to rush off in 6-8 months! I would most likely end up going alone or with just one or two of the crew with me.. and that's not what I want. I want us all together throughout all our adventures. I can still go off backpacking & practicing survival skills after having a child. I'd just have to make them shorter, simpler trips. Also, my dream was to have my child with me as I sailed around the world, so having my child now rather than later wouldn't make much of a difference other than my child being a bit older when we finally hit the open seas; which to me is a better idea because they'll be stronger & will be better able to handle the stresses of sailing then.
I've got a great job, great healthcare, great benefits, and even retirement savings that'll only grow the longer I stay in. I've a roof over my head and wonderful friends. My relationship with my family has even greatly improved since coming here. Plus, having my baby now affects almost nothing in the overall scheme of things~ In fact, having my baby now seems much smarter to me actually. I'm younger. I'm the healthiest and in the best shape I've ever been. I'm able to put away a decent amount of money each month with the paycheck I currently get, so.. yeah- If I'm going to have a baby, now's probably the best time I'll ever get~
Besides- I've no guarantees that I'll get to live to be 40 anyway... anything could happen in the future, so there's no time like the present- & if having a baby, being a mother, is the one thing I long for most (which it really & truly is)... then what the heck am I waiting for? I sit here day after day telling others to live their dreams, but keep pushing mine off into the future like an idiot! So there you have it~ I've decided that I wish to have my baby now instead of waiting until later. This gives my crew more time to get their lives in order to come join me on our grand adventure. It'll also bring me far more joy & happiness than anything else in this universe! Now I just gotta talk to the man I affectionately call my donor daddy and see if he is still willing... Otherwise, I guess it's back to looking for a donor from the sperm bank-
Either way- I've decided that I'm having my baby- & Now! Not later. I feel it's for the best in the long run and overall scheme of things~ ^_^
Remember ya'll... LIVE YOUR DREAMS!
-Aria D Gaia